Painful Resolution

i think this guy is me..at least how i have looked and felt

2007-10-27T01:09:00.000-05:00

ravenwycce.. thought of you while watching this..

2007-10-24T02:46:00.000-05:00

Awesome video.

2007-10-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

Im paraphrasing so i hope the author doesn't mind...

Relationships used to be about love, cherish, understanding, passion. Now we keep the one for the bills and someone else for the emotional side of things. Even then it doesn’t work out. Eventually, thanks to our current administration, we are forced to choose the pay-out way of life instead of being with the one who truly has our heart.

We are forced to settle.

We are told not to take chances. No matter what the cost. The point is eventually we all take chances, we all learn something from them. Some good lessons /some bad. Its those of use that learn the bad lessons that either recover or don't we either survive or we don't.

And sometimes we settle based on force of habit.

Sometimes those bad lessons are just that, bad lessons, nothing major was wagered and nothing major was lost.

However some of us learn our lessons through some pretty detrimental means, and sometimes that means that so much has been vested in a situation, that there is a very slight chance of a full or even partial recovery.

The main problem with that is, its that recovery which is critical to our survival, is attached to every piece of our heart, and yet again as most of us know, from experience, the heart doesnt always want to let go.

Even when it is battered and bruised.

As expected

2007-09-10T08:33:00.001-05:00

I had a wonderful weekend with bruises to prove it

Actual 5

2007-08-29T23:27:00.001-05:00

found new business possibility
had good conversation albeit an argument
discover my mind CAN indeed stretch when needed
filed tax paperwork for GK
fell in love all over again

5 or something like that...

2007-08-29T23:25:00.001-05:00

Got to work a bit late today, been dealing with the excruciating jaw pain. My WonderDoctm felt like being my hero today and prescribe me some Ultracet. however this requires time and money to go pick it up. My Case manager back at the shelter told me there might be a program to help pay for it for me... Ill find out tomorrow. As for tonight, Tylenol in high dosages might be my only savior. My WonderDoctm Also told me that I am way too "young" to have Angina.

more later.

getting a bit worried.

2007-08-26T10:54:00.001-05:00

so yesterday at work i experienced debilitating chest pains and shortness of breath. This lasted for probably about 30 minutes.
The Initial pain was the worse. Now for those who dont know i have really crappy teeth, years of bullshit and what not. Well i was waiting for the end of this month when my insurance kicked in to start to take care of the whole dental issue...
yes these two are related.
cause, before the chest pains yesterday my teeth didnt hurt. right after and up til now. The pain in my mouth is so bad i barely slept.

INTERNET RESEARCH brings up Angina. Anyone else want to pass some comments this way ... would help.. (im NOT trying to obtain ANYTHING else with the "GINA" suffix)

advice/ comments??

everything happens for a reason....right?

2007-08-21T20:46:00.001-05:00

Yeah so here i am, sitting in my NEW apartment on MY high speed internet connection. basically i might as well be sitting with a thumb up my ass. im bored out of my mind. Mostly because im sitting here searching for a second job. with is very much needed considering i sat down with the salvation army people today and discovered that i need about another 200 a month JUST to cover my expenses.Seems as though my shelter living brough on some expenses that i wasnt really planning for.....namely more domain names, a virtual dedicated server, now my high speed internet, cigarette addicting and the almighty attempting to pay back my student loan. ::sigh:: of course that is all in addition to my transportation costs, electricity, my portion due to rent,and the percentage that the salvation army would like me or rather are forcing me to save.well anyway... at least im out of the shelter life.

when is it time to let go?

2007-07-29T13:24:00.000-05:00

I have without a doubt held on to things for longer than most people would have. Part is the abandonment issue. I guess i need to come to terms with the fact that i am not 5 years old. That everyone in this world has faced some kind of abandonment issue.
Mine however, inhibited me enough that i think i forced myself to stop developing after a certain point..
I think now is a good time to stop and let go, realize that death doesnt mean abandonment, it means just that... death. As far as my dad is concerned.... oh fucking well, the man will get over it... if he is able to abandon/ not talk to his only child, than HE is the one who will be judged, not me.

for me its just time i let go of living in the past.... its time to move on....

Alot of stuff going on...

2007-07-25T07:13:00.001-05:00

some of the things i've been dealing with are... my boss who has been stealing from the company was finally let go. Making my co-worker the acting manager... Making it capable for me to ask for a well deserved raise.

I started up my Web and graphic design company, including webdesign,logo and hosting packages, pretty cool.  www.graphikreations.com go take a look.

About to head off to my yearly house-sitting gig, after that, 3 weeks, i will be getting a part-time job, just to support the apartment, which by the way the lease hasnt been signed yet. Note: salvation army has been a pain the ass about everything, and i mean everything.

Made some recent progress as far as relationships go, and the ability to sit down and deal with situations as they come up. Also started to explore more options as far as going outside are concerned.

More on that later.
got to start getting ready for work.

The world of resolution....

2007-07-11T06:59:00.000-05:00

BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG things to come.

stay tuned!

Lately....whats going on?

2007-07-08T11:30:00.000-05:00

Lately things have been rather BLAH for me.
hense my not really writting so much.
I feel stuck in tar at times and have been struggling not to feel broken and unfixable.
I have to get to the doc to get on Meds, my work schedule puts a damper on it, i procrastinate it sometimes too. The whole apartment thing is depressing, turns out more people do NOT want a guarenteed check every month from an international organization.
but on a good note.......
I have a 10 phone line business deal going through on monday (hopefully) which is a SHITLOAD of commission.
that same company kinda quietly hired me to do some web stuff. I got a internal website set up using dotproject... which btw is somewhat of a pain in the arse. Attempted to get a time and attendance thing set up and that crashed on me.
as for their external site... Im thinking postnuke might offer the best modules. However, I know how long it took me to get my other site up and running, and i really dont have that kind of patience. but i definately could use the extra line in my portfolio.

decent sized update... wow!

2007-07-02T19:56:00.000-05:00

so recent events play out like this.....

1- changed jobs, now unfortantely i need to keep Cobra in order to get surgery covered.... YAY on that yet boo on not realizing it sooner...

2- new job is pretty cool pretty dead at times which sucks due to the fact that its commission based. (went from selling cameras to selling phones)--same mall...

3- original apartment deal fell through, but it looks like something else is panning out.

4- took care of alot of my credit stuff at least on experian. went from 19 bad things to 12. Much easier to pay off 15 grand in debt than 25 grand. dont you think.

5- found out my drivers licence is no longer suspended... YIPPEE!!!

6- I have been actively making "some" money online with "little work" thanks to Talkshoe (podcasting) , Keen (phone stuff) , and craigslist (graphic work).

7- Working on a big phone deal now, a 10 phone business account... yay commission...

8- Looking towards possibly getting surgery in the next 2 months or so. (in NY) assuming all the things with #1 and #3 pan out.

9- Relationship wise i am doing pretty good. alot of ups and downs but also alot of learning and communication.

Thats it for now. will update more often i promise.

*hugs* all!

sigh* perfect.....

2007-06-28T20:29:00.000-05:00

It always seemed that I was sorry for the things that I did, But never did a thing about it 'til I let you in. It's kinda funny about the time that I was falling apart. You came and put me back together, now. 'Cause what I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. I still remember all the stupid things that I've said and done, But still, you stuck around with me when all your friends said, "Run!" Givin' me a name, I found myself inside all the flames. Becoming everything for you again. What I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. Don't tell me you saw it all along. God help me, I never knew it alone. Guess I was wrong. What I want And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. As days go by, I've finally become what you want me to be. And what I need Has now become the same thing You've been offering. You've taken me, And shaped me to become what you want me to be. -Daughtry "WHAT I WANT"

06-16-07_1725.jpg

2007-06-24T07:48:00.001-05:00

06-16-07_1725.jpg
Originally uploaded by brandonriley

Sushi and stuff. They have these "steamed"bread thing that have rose paste im them and they are fluffy. Would love to know how to make them.

2007-06-23T21:20:00.001-05:00

I AM NOT THE BAD GUY IN ALL OF THIS.

2007-06-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

This is for you....

2007-05-16T18:53:00.001-05:00

Amazing Fan-made video (so fitting)

clipped from youtube.com

Song: 'In This Together', by Apoptygma Berzerk.

So recent events.

2007-05-15T16:29:00.001-05:00

I have been taking advantage of stuff from www.portableapps.com,(these are applications that have been trimmed down to work directly off of your jumpdrive. I have stuff like: firefox portable, audacity portable, Sunbird portable, NVU, and Trillian portable. I also got a bunch of add-ons and extensions for Firefox, I honestly can not believe any one would choose IE over Firefox.

Ding Dong

2007-05-15T16:25:00.001-05:00

Falwell's dead !This blackhole im in.

Im here. Im alive.

2007-04-28T05:47:00.000-05:00

I have multiple projects going on right now. Still not in my own place. the red tape is just growing.
I AM however in the salvation program. so its just a matter of finding a suitable apartment.
more later. pulling a double today.

THE END IN SIGHT.

2007-04-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

so there is actually an end in sight.
I got approved for a housing program through the salvation army. (And i dont even need to become a "salvationist")
The deal they set me up with would have taken me probably a year to get to that point on my own, in this situation at least.
There is alot to it so ill just give the highlights.

They are going to pay move in amount- first, last and one month security on a one bedroom apartment up to $771 a month.
They are going to pay 100% of my second months rent also.
From there, I will only have to pay 30% of my pay towards rent, another 30% of my pay goes towards savings. Then they pay the rest of the rent.
They are buying me a new double size bed, furniture from the thrift store, then taking me to walmart to get sheets, curtains, shower curtains, towels, pots and pans and dishes and other stuff too.

As i said its a sweet deal. Now ALL i have to do is find a place i like in this county, that is near public transportation, that isnt roach or drug infested, and is less than 771 a month. Yeah that sounds easier than it is.... Its kind of like looking for a one bedroom in NYC, that has room to stretch out for less than $1000.

BUT im looking!

and one of the other points that i forgot to mention, there is a stipulation... I have to go to therapy and attend support groups. (i know that has made alot of you smile)

more later.

2007-04-13T10:07:00.000-05:00

things have been kind of boring here. I should find out today about housing. There MIGHT be an end in sight.

However i really need a new job soon.

thats all.

Weekend

2007-04-07T20:38:00.001-05:00

Well. Im on the train back to the shelter where there is apparently a code blue in effect. Ugh that means its going to be packed. This weekend i went up to new york and volunteered at pod camp. Had fun more later.

Pride

2007-04-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

Im proud of her for doing her job so well. But there is a part of me that misses her terribly when she is at work.

All that im living for....

2007-03-30T23:13:00.001-05:00

I want to cry. The stress is getting to be to much. and all i want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

Good and bad

2007-03-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

My 14 year old cousin is fighting tooth and nail for me.

Shelter life

2007-03-27T17:04:00.000-05:00

its seems to be a step above jail life at times, however i dont know this for a fact. But its about how I would image jail life to be.

Box lunches, sleeping in a room with multiple people, timed showers and laundry.... etc.
the only difference is i get to go out to work... and can roam freely.
But i guess that is enough of a difference to keep my head up above the ever rising tide.

Just as always i find myself back in the bind of not knowing when everything will come through for me and even if it will.

Sometimes it seems as though the only thing that can get me through some of the days are those phone calls i get... they get me motivated and help me through my bad days.
I dont know why no one else realizes what those phone calls do for me...

My theme song lately has been "Missing" by Evanescence... seems appropriate when dealing with my family and friends.

My cousin however sent me an email because i havent been keeping up with calling her and she started to get worried... I didnt want her knowing i was living in a homeless shelter, or how rough things are getting with me. I didnt want to sound like I was attempting to play victim.

On a good note, some housing might be coming through for me... hopefully very soon.

more later.

does Anyone..

2007-03-25T21:26:00.001-05:00

Even want to get in touch with me? This whole shelter life has me a bit disconnected.

Friends

2007-03-21T17:26:00.001-05:00

What does the word mean to you?

-discuss

Would i

2007-03-19T19:20:00.000-05:00

Would i change anything if the hands of time would allow me to

religious rant

2007-03-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

Today the "church" came in to give us breakfast. um... yeah.. maybe i should remind someone that there is such a thing as seperation of church and state and considering this is a state funded program... WTF. Even AA winds up here.... once again wtf. after a 10 minute "pray" session of "THOU GREAT FATHER ALMIGHTY GOD" we got to eat...
Good food, bad bullshit.
i guess the further down the food chain you get the easier it is for the Xtians to attempt to devour i mean convert you to their own.

UGH.

More later i promise

Its all just a bad dream

2007-03-16T23:56:00.001-05:00

All of this, can just go away. The bad luck, the bull shit, the drama. It seems that there is an easier time for people who are repeaters. Them those who dont want to be here.

Wow

2007-03-14T13:03:00.001-05:00

What a beautiful day it is. Who would have thought we just got done with a code blue

So here i go on the road again...

2007-03-13T21:44:00.001-05:00

Things keep getting harder and harder but there is always a ray of hope.

Le Sigh*

2007-03-13T07:18:00.001-05:00

so i got two checks in the mail today one from the phone business im working on and one from my full time job. Im supposed to go to my FT and PT job today. basically everything just fell apart.

My Vehicle will not go in reverse. I cant back up. so now any money i have is going to wind up going to fixing it or i will have to rely on public transportation.. which isnt that bad for getting to my FT job.... but my part time job is not on a bus route.

Another thing. ALL OF MY BELONGINGS are in my Vehicle. so now if i choose the public transportation route i now will HAVE to get a public storage unit.

On a decent note... i had to call a co-worker this morning to open the store for me, cause if i cant get out of the driveway i cant open the store on time. She was more than understanding and willing to help me out. she's awesome!!!

On the phone thingy- Some guy wants me to financially dominate him... LOL ... yeah NO PROBLEM!!!! fork it over buddy!

Thats it for now.
more later-promise

Rant alert

2007-03-10T08:39:00.000-05:00

So im sitting at the shelter, who would have thunk it that they have an internet connection.
Heck im quite amazed.
it feels weird to type on a normal keyboard considering i have been typing the last few entries on my phone.
I have quite a bit to type about. but i dont know if i even want to give it my energy. Lets just say, its not that i dont have anything to say on the topic, i just believe people are being contradicting and hypocritical.
Its getting busy.. talk later.

I feel

2007-03-09T00:21:00.001-05:00

Left behind

In all the years.

2007-03-07T23:11:00.001-05:00

Tonight its cold out so once again im at the shelter. Not very happy about this at all. I have a job interview tomorrow for a second full time job... Yes i SECOND FULL TIME job. Must sleep now. night

This sucks

2007-03-06T23:30:00.001-05:00

Well this is definately harder than i remember. Although spending a month homeless without really trying back when i was 19 doesnt really count. now its different i an trying. I am more aware. My back hurts bad so this situation wont/cant last long.

For those who read

2007-03-05T22:33:00.001-05:00

Tonight i am in a shelter due to the weather. Just a shout to let you know i am okay.

Part two

2007-03-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

Just for the record. I do have an opinion that will warrant a rant eventually. But honestly its not worth my energy right now

Part one

2007-03-04T22:03:00.001-05:00

Another day another dollar or two. Tomorrow i have to go to the housing authority to see about housing help. just as a side note i do read some peoples blogs. So i am not oblivious to what is being said about me and my current situation...

Yeah i love the fact...

2007-03-03T22:30:00.000-05:00

Ok so holding the back key on my phone deletes my fifteen minutes worth of typing ugh

Needless to say

2007-03-01T18:44:00.001-05:00

Im stressed. But stress grou going to stop of from trying. And stress isnt going to keep me down. I will prevail.:-)

Life

2007-03-01T18:38:00.001-05:00

Yeah so im sitting here in my vehicle painstakingly typing on my phone to make this update. I hope you all appricate this. Today was my birthday. I got to spend it driving around and alone. Its been a really bad week. Im living in my car.. .

The telephone fell to the counter...

2007-02-26T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I controlled/ filtered some hurtful things that i was going to say...
I have to work on quite a few things, however.
-trust
-honesty
-feeling hurt
-anger

I asked my dad to help me out with the financial situation im in. His answer was "ill send you 50 bucks" yeah thanks dad.
The roads are icy and im not happy about that considering i need new tires on my vehicle.
I might go on a date tonight, not really sure though, last time the reprecussions of it werent that great. I have to get over that fear though, hense the trust aspect.

I looked into housing possibilities and have to call today to make an appointment, good chance ill be sitting in their office on my birthday. (thursday). I dont qualify for food stamps because i make too much before taxes and child support are taken out. (idiots)

Last night i spoke to someone who i used to be very close with. Who took me in a while ago, who was with me at the very very beginning of my diagnosis. I burnt her trust pretty bad, and things have never been the same. However during the discussion last night she did something that was amazing. She still attempted to help me out and gave me a few links to places to get help. THEN she helped me come up with a scene name. Amazing Amazing woman. I wish i didnt mess up that friendship as much as i did.

anywho i have to go shower, shave, and get ready for work, due to the icy roads.

-things for today-
1) call housing authority
2) call about the "house-boy" oppertunity in NY
3) try and get more graphic work
4) clean vehicle
5) write "letter"

and the battle continues

2007-02-24T23:16:00.000-05:00

I have been battling alot today. well right now im at like a 60% security level. I have alot of stuff that i need to start doing for me.
I have been doing more and more checklist type stuff to get what i need to get done accomplished. I got my paycheck today so i have to go through and attempt to figure out a budget.
yeah.
in other news im battling a bottom out with trust today. im doing okay so far ...... so far.

ehhh

1- got paycheck
2- had a decent day at work
3- .....

Therapist appointment today.

2007-02-23T18:35:00.000-05:00

So, I walk in sit down and from the beginning i felt like i was going to cry.
Some things we discussed hit home way to much. to the point i think its just feeding into my paranoia.
BUT...
I do have more important priorities to hit head on first, not just the girlfriend aspect.
Im teetering on being homeless. I called my dad today and basically had a breakdown on the phone with him. (not a good thing). Told him how im basically at the end of my rope, busting my ass and not making any progress, and how my transportation situation just got WORSE.

I told him that i considered just moving away. not being a bother anymore but i really didnt have anywhere i could go, and that i didnt have any money. He told me to call him back on sunday ... so we will see what that brings, if anything.

-----painful resolution-----
1- actually made it to my therapist appointment
2- dealt with some issues i was having
3- made some brownie points with the senior manager in my district. (i think)
more later....

This is my life... its not what it was before....

2007-02-22T19:13:00.000-05:00

Im so damn close to just giving up.

this is way to much work to attempt to become "normal".
i freak out for the wrong reasons, which at the time that it is happening seem to be right.
I dont get why she cares.
I dont get why she stays.
I think i pushed her to far today.

WTF is wrong with me???

2007-02-22T16:28:00.000-05:00

Im breaking down today. And i dont know how to stop it.
I need to just fucking relax.
I said some things earlier that i regret saying.
now im overthinking it all and its kicking me in the ass.

FUCK!

Freak out session???

2007-02-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

So i dont know if i am bordering on a freak out or not. It feels that way. It feels like im at the point where i should be getting ready to start crying....but im not.

Im morbidly inquisitive about certain aspects of things. I have questions, which if asked, and answered, would probably throw me on a downwards spiral. I have things i want to know. I have things I NEED to know.

*****interruption from the sane side of the mind******

You have asked questions, you have gotten answers, you keep coming up with more morbid questions to ask. Its NOT GOING TO HELP THINGS. It probably will hurt things. You need to trust her. you need to at least attempt to, if not then there is no point on attempting to work on this.

*****we now return to your regularly scheduled program*****

Wow, that felt a bit better. I have to trust her, i understand that, but its hard to. Its hard to understand at times why she would want to try to work on this thing we have. I mean i know she knows, and well i hope she believes how much i actually love her.

To me what we have is deeper than just bf/gf. I have a connection with her that i dont expect anyone to understand. Which is basically why i believe that she is still here. She is still trying. I know its why i am still here, going to therapists, Getting on the ultimate *skeeve* (what i considered mind/feeling altering medications), working on me harder.

I think i feel a bit better, still kind of nervous but not nearly as bad as when i started this post...

I need to write code or something, anyone have a myspace page, livejournal profile that they want altered?

ughs and ahhs

2007-02-22T02:24:00.001-05:00

I had a great talk with the girl this morning. I was pretty secure most of the day. Had a bit of a rough spot after talking with a woman who was apparently going through chemo today at work. Considering its the end of february, *my mother's birthday was February 27th*, all the stuff happening with my relationship, work, life, and my "second mommy." i honestly felt as though my head was going to implode as i was talking to this lady.

Anywho the talk with the girl... We discussed factors of if she is going to leave me she will do it, no matter what boundries, expectations, or honesty level we attempt to maintain during the "healing" process of our relationship. My security level was at about 89% during that conversation. But unfortunately later on in the day with a simple mention of a guy who she knows (not looking to discuss the back story). My security level plummetted to about 4%. NOT GOOD. its seems that I can trust her very much but at the simple mention of this guy my trust level goes down alot more. We talked alot about this and set up some things. I guess we will see if what her and i have is really worth attempting to repair.
I cant deal with anymore lies or fractured truths, and neither can she.
so we will see what happens.

Tomorrow, i have to clean some more, Check out the public assistance office in regards to housing, Check out some apartment and job listings online, clean out my vehicle, create list to bring to my therapist on Friday.
--------Painful resolutions--------
1- Talked with "second mommy" in regards to fear and anxiety concerning her health. It was good to talk about, i mean i felt like i was making up for not doing it with my mom.
2- Talked with the girl, Got a bunch of stuff out on the table as far as feelings, issues, etc.
3- Laughed alot today, especially with "second mommy", decided that we are twisted individuals.
4- Got subscription stuff on to the blog :-D
5- updated blog (hey its a big accomplishment)

Hi

2007-02-21T03:13:00.001-05:00

Mobile phone Test

Trust and Love

2007-02-21T02:15:00.000-05:00

You know...
Trust and love go hand in hand, technically you can not have love without trust. Therefore, why is it so difficult to understand why someone would be willing to work their arses off in order to rebuild trust that was broken. I will admit to my shortcomings. I will attempt to fix them. Understand though that I have issues just like everyone else, some of them arent even my fault. They are genetic. They are part of who i am. Im willing to change that for love, and most importantly for myself.
Some people dont believe in forgiving, but i say if you can not forgive someone than how do you ever expect to be forgiven for your shortcomings. (which by the way EVERYONE has).
I have things i have needed to work on for years, problems which I have pushed to the wayside, because i was always attempting to avoid responsibility.
That was however before it directly affected someone who i love.
Now, line up the doctors, the meds (which i usually am firmly against), The cognitive thinking therapy and anything else that I can find to help me deal with this disorder.
************
resolutions in addition to the ones below:
1- Talked to my "second mommy" concerning her issue, she understands how i feel and i got her to open up a bit about her feelings. we bonded a bit tonight. However it still doesnt make me any less scared.
2- Shaved my hair... *i was getting way to scruffy looking* and now i have my sideburn spikes back. (which my girl likes ever-so-much)
3- Continued to write in my blog

Painful

2007-02-20T19:54:00.000-05:00

So over the past month or so, i have been processing something. For a bit of a back story first though.

in June my mom will be gone from this world 11 years. She had a good long fight with Cancer, but it eventually took its toll on her mind and body. After she passed, i waited 6 months then moved to PA. I met my mentor, my "second mommy". Heck i was searching for something to fill the void that i had in my chest. My "second mommy" took me in we had some issues, we eventually got through them. She has always watched out for me, and always made sure i was okay. She has been supportive and just in generally a great woman.

About a month ago she found a lump on her neck. it was small & non painful. Since that time it has grown, almost doubling in size. Her prelimanary tests came back inconclusiive. And she has an increased number of Lymph nodes, and an enlarged Thyroid. She has scheduled more tests in the upcoming weeks.

But im still scared. worried, and honestly a bit petrified that i will have to go through this all over again.

Ive been cleaning so much today just to get my mind off of it all i think everything is shining.
---------------------------------------
Resolutions:
1) cleaned everything i could
2) talked about my feelings
3) cried (yes thats a good thing right now)
4) talked to my doc about getting me on MEDS!!! <--YAY!

Sigh*

2007-02-20T12:28:00.000-05:00

today i have had an increase of security and that scares me. Most of the time when i feel this confident, something happens to make me insecure again.
*waiting for the shoe to drop*

so far today one of my three things are:
1) cleaned the kitchen a bit, was a bit anal retentive about certain aspects of it. It felt good to clean like that.
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Its kinda bad having a disorder that doesnt like to have responsibilities. I cant wait to get on decent medication for it.

I would love to be able to just be normal in any sense of the word.
I think i am now worried that the only reason i am how i am is because of my newly found disorder. I really hope thats not the case.

Its painful at times to realize that alot of what i know, is because of this disorder. My attitude, my anger, my feelings, my actions. .. have always been like this. Heck i remember when i was younger, my family walking on "eggshells" around me because of how i acted. *sigh* I am scared that this disorder made me who i am and if i fix it i am going to lose that.

But sacifices have to be made, fears have to be overcome and life has to move on and get better.
I WILL NOT LET THIS DISORDER RULE ME ANY LONGER!

Just how things go.

2007-02-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

My life has become a personal game. Something i swore i would never let it become.

It seems as we get older we tolerate more stress, especially when concerning things that we have no control over. As we get more stress out we find ourselves seperating ourselves from things around us. Is this a common occurance with everyone or just me?

There are plenty of things that confuse me in life, plenty of things that stress me out. But i never ever thought that proving my love to someone would be one of those things. Attempting to reaffirm your love for someone has got to be one of the most stressful and difficult jobs out there. However i know personally as a fact that it is worth any pain and tears that it brings to me.

As for how this all has become a game for me?... I am battling with myself constantly... it feels like i am constantly rolling a d20 die to hit something head on and i keep botching the roll, and smacking myself really good. (wow i just made a D&D reference)
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In other news completely unrelated, i walked past a church the other day and they were having a booksale. I had to get it just because of 1) it was a church 2) it was "The witch of blackbird pond" - i found it quite hypocritical based on the fact that the X-tain church HATES that book and wants it outlawed from schools. So i picked it up for $0.50 (usd)
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Yesterdays good points:
1) got to talk to the manager at a food establishment that i frequent, regarding an issue i had, Got a weeks worth of free food from there. YAY.
2) Got to talk about my emotions more and was more secure with them.
3) Got to talk to a friend who i havent spoken to in a while
4) made a new blog to discuss things that are extremely painful and how to find resolutions for them (*looks at title*)

I cry.

2007-02-20T01:48:00.000-05:00

dammit what a miserable life i lead.

So im sitting here thinking about what on earth i should write about, and it seems that the only thing that comes to mind is how miserable i am.

On a completely flip side of things, i have a great woman in my life, she makes me see... me for me, which alot of other people dont want to see or want to just run and hide from. But see the thing is, i might be losing her and that in itself is scary.

geez, i would love to get some medication in me.

I had a nice long talk with the girl tonight, Got a lot of emotions and feelings out on the table, I think we just might be okay.
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so enough whining for my first post.
at work today, someone came in with a 1946 publication of "Through the looking glass" by Lewis Carroll. He promptly opened it up to show me the Illustrations. At what time he showed me that he just "CUT" the front inner page's illustration out to have it framed. I was so utterly upset at this information that i told him that he shouldnt have come into possession of this item and i hope that desicrating a work of art and it karma would kick him in the ass.